Changing

Nearly a month ago I truly lost my best friend...

He was my happy place...

He made me feel whole...

Now, he's gone.
.
.
.
.
.
And the worst part is that he chose to leave...

I keep imagining he'll hold me again one last time. Or that his name is going to be the next text message I see on my phone...

But, the text never comes and he's not coming home.

I am left here. 

My plans of moving closer to him have turned to dust and the man at the end of the alter, no longer has a face.


 

 

Weak as a Thimble

Saw a man with a bouquet of flowers and a small heart balloon...

I never thought that it would be a trigger...

But, here I am in my room sobbing like a baby...

I am so tired.

I am so weak.

Please Lord, bring me healing and peace.

~ali

Memories to Remember

With all this sadness on my heart I feel like I should take down some notes about the things I loved about the guy that meant the world...

First, I love the way you loved me.
I love the way you love God.
I love way people look up to you.
I love how you speak with your heart to me and to others.
I love how you make me laugh.
I loved the way you brought me out of darkness and showed me that I can do anything I want and be anything I want.
I love your mannerisms.
I loved your good night calls when you worked at the hospital. Which also followed up with a good night text.
I love your smile.
I love your child spirit.
I love your positive aspect on life.
I love your determination to succeed.
I love  your family and how they welcomed me with open arms even when you weren't there for the festivities.
I love taking care of you.
I love making you cookies.
I love being goofy with you.
I love falling asleep on you every time we watch a movie.
I love your hair and rubbing it to help you sleep.
I love writing you letters.
I love how smart you are.
I love that dreamed of adventures with me.
I love how you called me Alison when you introduced me to people.
I love how excited you get over the simplest things.
I love that you love pizza because it meant we ate it a lot.
I love that being healthy was a goal we both had.
I love our Atlas.
I love how protective you are.
I love the L.E.O you have become.
I love the way you let me tag along with you and your dad to movies and the gun range.
I loved the way you depended on me.
I love the man you are becoming and one day one girl will be really blessed by you.
I love your random gifts (for example: my hippo, my zebra beanie, and 49er towel)
I love your snore when you're exhausted.
I love that you made a list of special dates and things I liked.
I loved our double dates with Andy and Marissa.
I love the way you love jeeps.
I love that the first challenger I rode in was yours.
I loved our trip to the beach and planning out David's proposal to Ashley.
I loved listening to your best man speeches.
I loved surprising you.
I loved the four kisses... cheek, other cheek, forehead, and lips.



Most of all, I love that you came back for me after two years... I will always be thankful for the time we had together because I must say, they were the greatest yet.

I miss you SMR and I will always be praying for you.
Thank you for everything.

When is someone enough?

YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Plain and simple. 

You. 
Are. 
Enough.

However, before we get on to why YOU are ENOUGH and YOU are important let's fill you in a little on how I get to the point of self destruction by thinking I am not enough.

From pre-school to the 2nd grade I went to Pathfinder Christian School in Visalia, CA. This is where I learned the values and morals I still hold true to today. I am not saying I am a perfect child of God, I have my faults, I have my moments of weakness, and I have sinned, repeatedly. 

I always beat myself up when I do something wrong or disappoint someone. It's always been there. Even when they accept my apology and aren't even mad anymore I am still graveling at their feet, because I don't like hurting people. 

These last few weeks I have had many trials in my life which makes me look at myself and think "who are you, Ali? and "what do you want to do with this life that God has given you?"

Honestly, right now. I have few answers.
(In no particular order, except for the first one)
I know that...
I love God.
I love dogs.
I love to love people.
I love water.
I love making people laugh.
I love singing.
I love being friendly to strangers.
I love my family.
I love wearing t shirts and no make-up.
But, then I love getting fancy.
I don't like sleeping under the covers, I prefer a blanket.
I am definitely afraid of spiders.
I find complete joy in falling asleep on someone's chest that I truly love.
I love sentimental gifts and keeping things that remind me of my experiences.
I find truth in love songs and tie them to certain people I have met in my life.

I only had about three things on this list a few days ago... 

I honestly couldn't tell you who I was...

I have gotten myself so wrapped up in what other people expect of me and what they think of me, that I lost have lost myself in the process...

THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD WANTS FOR ME!

I am perfect in the eyes of the Lord. 
I am beautiful.
I am smart.
I am loving.
I am ENOUGH!

Therefore, it doesn't matter who likes my photos on Instagram or Facebook... Those do not define the woman that I am. He defines who I am. And I choose Him to lean on not only when I am in need, but I also choose Him to thank when I am blessed and life is great.

God is all I need. (Psalm 16)
He will bring me the desires of my heart. ( 2 Corinthians 1:20)
He will protect me. (Psalm 91)
He will bless me. (Genesis 12:2)
He will love me unconditionally. (Psalm 136)
He will comfort me. (Psalm 23:4-6)
He will save me. (2 Samuel 22:3)

Here, is to the new start of loving me again, and remembering that I can do all things through Him.

~ali